Saturday, January 31, 2015

Petal



the girls at NUS picked you up from a bed of flowers and named you petal. your attraction to flowers was undeniable. today, korkor went back to that same bed of flowers and made sure you left with them.

i miss you petal. we had to change our lifestyle since you came. i complained and grumbled about having to share the bathroom with you, the various scratches you inflicted and having to close my door all the time. we even had to baby gate the stairs so that Stumpy would stop trying to look for you upstairs. which reminds me of the one time he chased you up the stairs into the room and you finally stood your ground and whacked him as you sat on the chair. you were a feisty scaredy cat


i secretly think you probably hated me at the start too. but we were stuck at home alone together for too long most of the time during my last semester in school and after graduation. you were my only company at home (together with Stumpy), and tolerated all my bathroom (and everywhere else) singing. we secretly bonded when i came home one day depressed and you sat and fell asleep on my lap as i sat on the rug in front of my room. i fed you treats on the sly almost daily after that.



but i've gotten used to that tinkling bell around the house. knowing you would always greet us at the door. even when i returned home late when no one else was awake. you would come running down to welcome me. i'd say you were a cat who thought you were a dog. you played fetch with your toy. and i believe you're probably the only cat who'd ever play fetch.


i miss you running to the window whenever you hear that we're home. to welcome us back through the glass and subsequently plop comfortably in our way as we entered to get our attention. no longer can i tap the glass at the window when i come back home. the house feels empty and quiet without you.


you'd sit in front of my room because you weren't allowed in. you'd try your luck sometimes and walk in, only to be drenched in water as i ran after you with the spray can. once, you disappeared in the house and we thought you escaped. only to find you comfortably hidden in my wardrobe for the entire day. you loved my wardrobe and sought to get in whenever you could. or you'd sit just outside my door, meowing to get my attention and hoping to come in. peeping in from outside.


you'd pose funny with your exceptionally long body. and bully stumpy by taunting him at the balcony. yet, you would still rest on the carpet right in front of him when we leave the house. despite our plans, you never made friends with Stumpy. i will miss seeing you lying there. or on your favourite spot on the black chair downstairs at night. or on top of our shelves as you stilt walk your way across our curtain rods to spy on Stumpy and the birds.


you also loved mummy and daddy's room, and would sit outside meowing till someone let you in. that was, until you learnt how to push open the door. you loved their bathroom, and the top of their wardrobe. you were constantly finding new places to hide, perhaps from us when we harassed you to play. or when i scared you just to watch you jump. or when i harassed you one night to catch the giant flying cockroach in my room when no one else was home.






















you were a celebrity with our neighbours and the tuitioning kids walking past. everyone tapped at the window when they walked past. hoping to get a glimpse of our supermodel petal. you were so popular we fixed a basket beside the window. 


you also loved sitting at korkor's window, looking out into the skies, trees and birds. you loved birds. you always wanted to run out. perhaps to see the world outside. and you did, much to our dismay. and you didn't make it back. and i'm sorry for not being there to protect you, or save you from the dangers of the world. i'm sorry that you fell, and ran into hiding against that wall alone, behind the bicycles, bleeding and helpless. i'm sorry petal. it tears me apart every single time i think about how afraid and alone you must have been, lying there in pain. i thank God, that daddy managed to find you. but i'm sorry we couldn't save you and i'm sorry for not making it in time to see you before you left.

you were more than just a cat. you were family. always dependable, always around and rarely rejected a hug whenever i come home from a bad day at work. i miss you dear petal, and it's been extremely difficult for all of us ever since you left. i really miss holding your soft warm furry body. your long tail with that funky kink at the end. thank you for the past 1.5 years you've been with us, all the joy and laugher you've brought into our lives. i'll never forget you.

Petal, 2013 - 29 Jan 2015


Sunday, January 11, 2015

Sunday Afternoons; 2015 New Year Resolutions


Miam Miam Spaghetti
i love how Christmas seems just barely over when here we all are, preparing to welcome the Lunar New Year. everything is just fast, coming and leaving in a flash and i can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad. working in a FMCG exacerbates everything - i have found myself living in the future far too often. planning for Christmas way before we hear any bells ringing and planning for CNY during Christmas. it plays with my mind really. i've been incredibly tired, and getting comments at how.. i stone perpetually or have become less lively. i'm not sure if life is meant to be lived this way, or perhaps all working people have to go through this. but i know, that it is a choice on how we want to live our lives. and we have the power to dictate where we want to invest our time and energy - at the expense of things. you can't have your cake and eat it too. 

nonetheless i resolved to make some 2015 new year resolutions.

1. be happier :)
certainly the most vague and generic resolution ever. but i honestly, genuinely want to be a happier person. from the bottom of my heart, not just so to patronise or entertain - which i have recently caught myself doing. or to make someone happy. i want to live my life the way i want to and find meaning and value, worth in the things i put my mind, heart and soul in. it's easier said than done and i will have a game plan:

2. give less shit about things
i guess the nicer way to put it would be to care less. to care less about what people think or how things will turn out. perhaps sometimes we spend so much time giving thoughts about the feelings of others and a whole lot of crap at the expense of our own happiness. i need to learn that we all have limited amount of time and cares. limited energy and soul to dedicate where we will truly put our energy in. this applies to me in both work and out of work context. in work, there's an overwhelming amount of things to do and it always seems that every single thing is important and urgent. but there really is just one of me. and i don't even feel experienced enough to make certain decisions at times. my colleague pointed out that i spend so much time worrying on things that aren't really that important. i can't help it but i have to change.

work consumes me and sometimes i don't even have time for myself. so out of work i try to spend my time wisely. meeting friends helps to keep me sane and grounded, and reminds me to be myself. then again, as everyone gets busy, it's sometimes incredibly difficult to meet. but people who want to stay connected will find means to stay connected. and i should stop investing in people who doesn't care? i have enough things on my plate at work to chase after someone else.

i thought about this for awhile now. i grew up fighting to hit expectations, impress. to please. recently i decided that i wasn't going to live my life trying to please all these people around me. i just want to do what makes me happy (even though pleasing people makes me happy sometimes too). i can't come up with a reason why i should be making someone else happy all the time at the expense of my own.

3. exercise
enough said. i used to be so active before starting work. i just feel fat and lazy now. i need to exercise at least once a week and get back into the dance studio/swimming pool. it's really bad at how unhealthy i (sometimes) feel.

4. read
i want to read 12 books this year. i've got book credits from my brother as a birthday gift last year, which would probably safely cover the 12 books i would want to read. i miss reading. whether they are cookbooks, intellectual nutrition books or fiction. i want to read.

5. #365
perhaps the most important book i should be reading would be the Bible. i signed up for my church's #365 - which is a commitment and dedication to finish reading the Bible in a year. well, i actually am 11 days late, already. need to pull up my socks on this one.

6. bake
i haven't been baking. but this should be easier to achieve with CNY coming up and i have prepped the fridge with the necessary blocks of butter for those pineapple tarts. kueh lapis would require some true dedication and perhaps a day or two off from work. that aside, i shall sub point this: to renovate our kitchen. i hope to eventually renovate our kitchen this year and have a nice true baking space.

7. write
writing has always been my outlet and channel to rationalise and sort out all the thoughts in my head. it keeps me sane, calm and grounded, and reminds me of the life i want to live. i'm not very good at writing, and it rusts if i don't write frequently. i need to keep to writing, at least weekly - as i had previously tried resolving to do.

8. korean
i stopped my korean classes ever since school ended and have been stagnant. had a video call with my korean friend the other day and found myself speaking slower. i had wanted to sign up for korean classes on Saturdays for awhile now. but i really haven't had the time to. i will, this year.

9. travel
i want to go back to Korea this year. once or twice perhaps. and Taiwan. these places of comfort that reminds me of the days back when i was still studying. although i still dream of making a second visit to London and Europe.. but i absolutely miss korea. so so, so much. i love knowing what lies around every crook and corner. i love knowing that everything goes on sale every couple of weeks. i love the whole familiarity of just being there.

10. love myself
in all the right ways that is. this isn't the same as being self-centred. i want to love myself more. i need to be less hard on myself at times and be a little more forgiving.

Chase your dreams, pursue your passion, do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life. But what happens when what you love becomes diluted by the process of incorporating it? When writing becomes scripting tweets for Merrill Lynch? When designing clothes becomes needing to hit sales numbers and Facebook likes? When becoming a character on the stage means having to constantly play a character in life? What is so wrong with having a job that’s just a job? When did we become so entitled to think that we should enjoy every minute we are literally surviving? That we can just fly from airport to airport finding ourselves? Who’s going to run the airport?